Two and half weeks ago, I ran the Rock ‘n’ Roll DC Half Marathon. It was my first race in a year and a half. I trained through the coldest winter that I’ve ever run through – runs in sub-zero windchill temperatures, single digit temps, snow and ice…almost every run in the dark before the sun came up (I haven’t always been an early morning runner so this was new for me). A few weeks before the race I even started to add speed work to my training once a week. That may not sound like a big deal, but to me it was. I’ve struggled for almost 2 years now with being able to normally take a deep breath. My body hasn’t felt the same since I was diagnosed with pleurisy a few months after my youngest was born. It’s been an uphill battle to feel anywhere close to normal when running and to physically be able to push myself.
I signed up for the RNR DC half on a whim. I ran the full marathon in 2012 when the temperature climbed to almost 70 degrees on race day. This year, we didn’t have the heat, but we did have cold pouring rain. I got to the race about an 1 hour and 15 minutes early because I was afraid of being late and feeling rushed. That meant I had to stand in the pouring rain until it was go time. I cannot recall a time in my life when I felt so cold. I wore a jacket, but it was too warm to keep it on for the race so I put it in my gear check bag. I was shivering violently and completely soaked before I even got to the starting line.
Aside from the cold wet start, the race went perfectly. I was afraid of starting out too fast because I almost always make that mistake. I held back a lot in the beginning and carefully watched my pace. My first mile was deliberately slow. I progressively kept trying to pick up my pace as the race went on. My plan was to run as conservatively as I could in the first half, see what I could do in the second half, and then at mile 10, I hoped to really push myself.
I don’t look like I’m having as much fun as the guy in front of me
Between mile 6 and 7 was probably the most challenging for me. There is a massive hill that goes from Rock Creek Parkway up to Calvert St. My husband and I used to live on Calvert St. We ran along Rock Creek Parkway all the time, but when we headed home, we always walked this hill. It’s a beast. My pace slowed on the way up the hill and my legs were burning at the top. We hit some more hills along the way, but that was by far the worst. I also lost some time when I had to stop to pee at mile 8.
The last 3 miles of the race were my fastest – 8:54, 8:56, 8:45. My official time was 2:06:53.
In a lot of ways, this race reminded me of my PR race – the Iron Girl half marathon in 2012 where I had trained for a sub-2 hour finish. That race went really well for me and I finished in 1:58. In both races, I honestly felt great and I felt like I could run harder than I’m usually comfortable with. But there’s another similarity. Both times, I had this self-doubt that weighed me down. Sometimes I’m afraid of reaching for a goal because I don’t want to fail. I was afraid to even say it out loud that I wanted to finish Iron Girl in under 2 hours because I was afraid I couldn’t do it. I was afraid to set any time goal for RNR DC because I didn’t think I would be able to achieve it. Sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit. I compare myself to others too often. Talking to really fast runner friends about my running makes me feel insignificant. What’s the big deal about finishing in 2:06? It’s an average time, right? Well, it’s not for me. My finish times for the 2 other half marathons I’ve run since Ezra was born were both 2:25. I still took almost 20 minutes off my half marathon time and I should be happy about that. I am happy about that. But I want more. I want another PR. I want to blow that 1:58 out of the water. Saying that though makes the self doubt start creeping in again. If I normally have trouble taking a deep breath, saying I want to PR again is going to make me hyperventilate.
There’s the quote “If your dreams don’t scare you, they aren’t big enough.” My dreams do scare me. How many times did I say I was “afraid” in that last paragraph? (note: I edited out at least 3 other times I said it) I struggle with the fine line between being positive and optimistic and being realistic. Can I take 10 minutes off my time this year? (here comes the hyperventilating) Or is that totally unrealistic? Maybe it’s time to let go of all of my fear and focus on the positive.
